Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson: A Quick Review

by Philip

Marianne got Bringing Up Boys for me about the time Allan was born. I find myself in disagreement with Dobson often enough that I’m not an eager beaver Dobson fan. However, I’m willing to listen, and being sick for the last two days provided me an opportunity to do that.

This is not a comprehensive review, nor is it particularly a critical review. I don’t feel like typing up the various things I disagreed with. Rather, this is a “what I benefited from” review. There were other things Dobson said that were valuable, but these stood out to me.

p. 92 “Dr. Catherine Snow, professor of education ar Harvard’s Graduate School of Education, followed sixty-five families over an eight-year period. She found that dinnertime was of more value to child development than playtime, school, and story time.”

My own growing up experience confirms this.

p. 99-111, Chapter 8, Chasing the Caterpillar
As a professor, it is very easy for me to fill my days and nights with study, grading, lecture preps, evaluations, departmental responsibilities, and so on. This chapter reinforced my commitment to gear down and provide time to be with my boys. Practically, that may mean quitting work at 4:30 so then when I arrive home for supper, I have emotional and mental reserves left to be able to make dinner time the valuable time it should be.

p. 135, “A child born out of wedlock is two-and-a-half times as likely to serve time in prison. … the economic status of a single mother is not the key factor. It is the absence of ‘Dad.’”
p. 136, “…males living in stepparent families were almost three times as likely to face incarceration as those from intact families.”

Highlights the importance of my job!

p. 142 “Men, how about taking the sons of single mothers with your own boys when you’re going fishing or out to a ball game?”

p. 148, “Robert E. Lee said, ‘It is a good thing war is so terrible; else we should grow too fond of it.’”

Key things to teach regarding masculine competitiveness
p. 149 teach him how to lose gracefully and win gracefully. I remember Mom had to work very hard on teaching me to lose gracefully. I still had problems with this well into HS.
“[Dad] must model good sportsmanship, self-control, and teamwork”
“Winning at this age is nothing; teaching your boy to deal properly with his anger, disappointment, and frustration is everything.”

p. 150, “Children are going to disappoint us. … But if we’re wise, we’ll remember that they’re just immature little human beings like we used to be. There are times to say with love and warmth, “That’s okay, Son. You’ll do better next time.”

pp. 152-158
The story about the boy who fantasizes about making the ball team but doesn’t strikes a chord with me because I had a similar experience as a third grader. I wanted to play little league baseball in the worst way. Dad gave permission with the understanding that I couldn’t play on Wednesday nights. I wasn’t the most coordinated kid at the time and the coach apparently hadn’t read any child psyche texts on building self-esteem. He certainly didn’t help mine. I was stuck on the bench most of the season. I wasn’t permanently damaged. I later played on a church softball league for 3 years and did well. But I’ve never forgotten the feeling of being “benched,” – essentially told you’re not good enough to help the team. We’ll put you in when you won’t hurt us.

p. 186 Dobson recommends a phonics program developed by Phyllis Schlafly.

Anybody ever used it? I'd like to hear your evaluation.

p. 188 “Still, if we had to do it over again, Shirley and I would probably homeschool our children.”

Interesting. That's our plan at present.

p. 194 Dobson gives space to Bill Bennet’s K12.com online education curriculum.

Anybody ever used it? I'd be interested in hearing any users' evaluations.

p. 250-51 Dobson’s story about how 11-year old Ryan reacted negatively to Dobson’s willingness to compromise his convictions about Sunday observance challenged me. Kids are always watching and consistency is at the top of the list of must-have values.

In his last chapter “The Ultimate Priority,” Dobson mentions praying and fasting for his kids. That jolted me. I’ve allowed our scheduled Friday prayer and fast time to slip past unkept much of this semester. Marianne and I resumed today, and by God’s grace, I’m going to make sure we persist in this most crucial of priorities.

New Rule

As of Thursday evening there is a new rule in the Brown family. But first some background. Daniel is in bed sleeping, Philip and I are working on our respective computers in the office and Allan is listening to Patch the Pirate in the living room.

While working Allan hollers from the bathroom that he needs some assistance and so I get up from my desk to give some aid. Upon stepping out into the hallway I smell a faint but distinct smoke smell coming from the direction of the kitchen. So I went into the kitchen, made sure all the burners and oven were off before going to the bathroom. I didn't find anything but the smoke smell was somewhat stronger. Believing that my ultra-sensative pregnant nose was working overtime I went to Allan's aid and then back to working on the computer.

Fifteen minutes after the first incident Allan came into the office saying, "mommy, something is burning in the living room, it smells like smoke." Ah, ha! now someone else has confirmed what I thought I was smelling. As I went down the hallway towards the living room it was very apparent that something was burning somewhere though there was no smoke to be seen. The air was acrid! I called for Philip and we started the search: new stereo that perhaps doesn't have enough air circulation...no, electrical outlets or appliances....no, microwave- stove - fridge - toaster....no, but the smell is getting stronger and it has to be coming from somewhere. So Philip and I split up, I went to the basement and Philip went to the two floors above us. Neither place had any signs or smell of smoke.

When we returned to the entryway of our home I will have to admit I was starting to get a little nervous. The smell was awful and so we started looking at other options: was the fire in the walls or floorboards, perhaps a bad light fixture. When there's no visible smoke it's really a shot in the dark. As Philip was checking the light fixtures (BTW: there was no smoke smell in the rest of our apartment) I decided to check the living room lights - perhaps one of them was going bad. Upon inspecting the first lamp I discovered the problem (by this time there was a wisp of smoke coming up from above the lamp shade) - Allan's sock! As I pulled it off it was evident that this was what had caused the awful stench. It was blackened and smoking. Philip and I just looked at Allan and asked him why he put his sock there. His answer was very simple, "I put it there to warm it up." Hence the new rule at our house: You may not warm socks (or any other item) on light bulbs! It's one of those moments as a parent that you laugh as much from the hilarity of something as you do the sudden relief from a tense situation.

Our Weekend to Remember

Philip told me last month that if I was feeling better by this past weekend he'd take me to the Living Gallery at Bob Jones. We made the trip and thankfully I felt great and it was a fabulous weekend. Saturday morning we left a little after 8:00 and drove straight to Greenville, SC arriving a little after 3:30. After checking into The Phoenix Inn (we had chosen the package for the Living gallery and hotel) and changing clothes we headed straight for the University since our tickets were for 4:30. We had excellent seats 6-8 rows from the front. The year's Living Gallery was based on the book of John. The art was fantastic! They did 12 different pieces and each one fit beautifully into the drama and music. It was the kind of thing that causes renewed appreciation for Christ's ministry and His sacrifice on my behalf.

It was also wonderful to be back "home" on BJU campus. So many changes have taken place since we left 6 years ago (surely it hasn't been that long ago?!) but the same air of excellence was evident. It was refreshing to sit again in a fine arts production that you could be confident would be edifying and uplifting. Ahhhhhh...... WONDERFUL!

Then we quickly left campus to eat supper with our friends, Bryan and Becky Smith and their family. Bryan and Philip graduated the same year with OT PhD's. Bryan also was the co-author with Philip on the Reader's Hebrew Bible. We had a wonderful time of fellowship and catching up on what is happening in each other's lives. Bryan and Becky have a passion for raising their children to love and serve God and it was a joy to be in their home again.

Bottom Clockwise: Moriah, Judah, Asher, Becky, Jordan, Bryan and Christian. Their two month old, Seth, was sleeping in the living room and I wasn't able to get a picture of him. I remember going to see Asher when he was born!

After leaving Bryan and Becky's we went back to the motel for a good night's rest!

Sunday morning we went to Mount Calvary Baptist church with Bryan (Becky stayed home with several sick children) and enjoyed a wonderful worship service. I was able to see and visit with some of the ladies that I used to work with at the Bob Jones University Press. After service, Philip and Bryan presented Dr. Mark Minnick (the pastor) a copy of the Reader's Hebrew Bible. Just an observation: this was the first time I had ever attended the church. I knew that children 3 years and older are in the main sanctuary with their parents for the service (there is a nursery available for children under 3). Since the church is very large (the morning we were there 600-800 people) I expected quite a rustling from children but was pleasantly surprised. Only twice did I hear a child cry, from the section I was sitting in I didn't see any children taken out of service, I did observe one father talking to his son when the boy got a little antsy. My thought was: here are a group of people who are serious about training their children at home and are working hard if this is what you see/hear of them in public. YEAH! for all those parents! My hat is off to you!


After church we made our way to the other side of Greenville to have lunch with our friends, David and Teresa Armstrong. They took me to Easley (Bible Methodist Church) to church until I became familiar with the roads when I first moved to Greenville. Teresa is the head of the interior decorating department at Bob Jones and she fixed a fabulous lunch for us. Baked chicken, rice, black-eyed peas, asparagus casserole, sweet potatoes, baked corn, homemade biscuits and sweet tea! We had such fun getting the "scoop" about the inner workings of the project happening at BJ and finding out the welfare of our Easley church people.

In the Armstrong's development spring had arrived and it was beautiful!

Sunday evening we were able to worship with our Easley church family. It was wonderful to see everyone but the time was far too short! We hope to catch up more when we make another trip south in July. It felt just like "home"! My years spent in Greenville were some of the most challenging and growth filled years of my life. I will be always be fond of the people who contributed so much to my time there.

Monday morning we stopped at the Educator's Marketplace to buy the boys a few books and were able to snap a picture of the newly redone front campus. We arrived home and were glad to be reunited with our little guys. Busy weekend but so very nice and refreshing. And I was able to have an uninterrupted conversation with my hubby for the first time in a long time :o) Now it's back into the saddle since school starts tomorrow morning :o/