A Heritage To Keep - A Trajectory To Set

If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants." ~Isaac Newton

No one ever gets to where they are by themselves. Someone has helped them there -for good, or ill. Our Sunday School class is getting ready to start a study through Matt Friedeman's book Discipleship in the Home- Teaching Children, Changing lives.   Chapter One focuses on the commands in Matthew 28 and Deuteronomy 6 to make disciples and how the implementation of those principles impacts future generations. He states:

In my private and our family prayers we continually intercede for the fourth generation - that our offspring through our great-great grandchildren will be holy people who have married holy spouses, with no divorce in the family line, and many descendants whose lives will be sacrificially poured out for the Lord in the places and for the people that need Him most." 

Over the last 2-3 years I've been working on writing up a "Christian History" for my boys to read when they're older to understand and appreciate where they've come from. At this point I've only worked on one side of the family - my Mother's (Miller) side since my grandmother is still living and I can get the information I need from her first-hand.

My Grandma Miller (Virginia Clark) and Grandpa Miller (Harry Miller) - pictured above - became Christians early in their marriage and served in various capacities within the church as laymen. Through my late childhood and teen years they would take us to campmeetings with them and to hear music groups like the Lebanon Valley Gospel Band. We'd pack a lunch and eat it in the car between services during those hot summer days at the pole building tabernacles. I don't even remember the names of some of the camps they took us to. But the singing I heard and the testimonies that were given made a lasting impression on me that were part of the steps that led me to where I am. The impact of their prayers on my family will only be known in eternity. 

My Grandpa Miller's parents (Conda and Leta [Stewart] Miller), were also hardworking Christian people although my Grandma Miller didn't get to know Leta because she died at the age of 54 before my grandparents married. I believe they attended the Clear Creek Brethren in Christ Church. 

Mary Shaw Clark - my great-grandmother with my siblings, me, and our cousins - Ryan Miller and Melanie (Miller) Ward

My maternal Great Grandparents - Bernard and Mary (Shaw) Clark have a more documented conversion because of the revival that swept through the mountains of Central Pennsylvania in the fall of 1933. A man by the name of Harry Fink began a revival in the Clark's Grover area of Clear Creek, PA. on August 1st. The leaders of that revival "preached and sang from a raised platform covered by a roof and boarded at the back. The audience sat on rough boards laid across logs." * At first there seemed to be little response by after 10 nights of meetings....something changed. 

"Bernard Clark went to the altar on that night and the next day, on Sunday afternoon, Mary Shaw, his girl friend and later his wife, did the same. This was significant, no only because it was the first move but also because Bernard Clark was a respected young man in the community and a Sunday School teacher and superintendent in one of the local churches. If Bernard Clark went to the altar others were later to acknowledge, then there surely must be something to what these people were saying." **

An observer said that my great-grandfather's conviction was so strong that "he cried aloud and prayed in soul agony for deliverance from sin. The people came out of their cars and from their hiding placed and crowded up front. Some stood on the seats, eager to see what would happen to this young man. Many of them had never seen an altar service, where people meet God."**

There was strong opposition to the meetings with people using dynamite, cutting down trees across the road so people couldn't get to the revival, heckling and throwing of food. But at times there were still crowds of 500 people in that backwoods town who came to hear the gospel. Eventually the revival moved to a nearby church and meetings were so packed they had to wait to have altar service until all the visitors left and then they would pray with seekers into the early morning hours. My Great-Grandfather's cousin, Marshall, and his wife were also converted and after being called to the ministry several years later, conducted services at the Clear Creek Church.***

By November of that year a Sunday School was organized and the newly converted group had their first baptism and received these into membership. My Great-Grandma Clark's baptism is told by Rev. Fink, "For the baptismal service (which was in Nov) we had to break the ice and shove it down the creek. Brother Herman Miller came out from Altoona to baptize and Bro Hann was there. Brother Miller said that Brother Hann was to bring the people in and take them out, because the water was so cold. He told Brother Eyster and I to pray for the people as they came out. We were taking turns praying for them. There was a sister, Mary Shaw, who when Brother Hann brought her out of the creek took a shout and went running off down the meadow. Brother Eyster looked at me and I looked at him and neither one of us knew what to say. I saw tears in his eyes. Finally he just said, 'Let her go. I guess she doesn't need our praying.'" ****

My Great-grandparents couldn't know that they set a trajectory for our family that is now being reaped in my children - their great-great grandchildren. Had my great-grandfather not chosen to follow God, or my grandmother not submitted to the Lord's leadership, or if my mother had not developed a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and if I had not accepted the claims of God for myself.......the life my family now enjoys would be so radically different.

You know what my great-grandparent's account does for me? It pulls me up out of the mundane, daily, grind of life and gives me a view of a much broader picture that I'm a part of. It also shakes me periodically to recognize that I'm setting the trajectory now that will impact far, far beyond the years I'll spend on this earth. I humbles me that though there has been sin in this line I come from - God's grace has so much more abounded!

Not everyone has the story I do - working in ministry the past 13 years had made me so very aware of the havoc sin wreaks in families. But I also know that every generation has a choice - that what has been does not always have to be. And that God's grace at work really does transform lives.

So I have renewed hope this morning - what I'm doing as a mother today is vitally important to where my offspring will be heading for the rest of eternity. I'm humbly asking God for continued grace and courage to be the person who some great-great grandchild will look back on years from now and say, "Great-Great Grandma Brown made a choice, and that choice led me to a life lived sacrificially for God."

Fire in the Mountains E.Morris Sider, 1976 reprinted in 2010

*pg. 85

**pg. 86

*** pg 92

****pg 94

A Different Type of Preparation for Fall

It's that beautiful and deary time of year when the labors of summer give way to the restfulness of fall. It always invokes in me stirrings of change and memories of washing and putting away window screens, washing curtains and windows, planting mums, clearing the garden in preparation for winter, pulling out the fall decorations and carefully packing away the summer ones. After the busyness and intense labors of summer, nature begins to slow down and prepares itself for a time of rest that's so needed for rejuvenation.

 Just this weekend the boys helped me pull up the orange tub from the basement that has our fall scented candles and decor and we enjoyed the change of spirit it brought to the house. I'm mentally looking forward to cleaning my carpets, washing walls, polishing furniture and having everything fresh and clean for the approaching winter and holidays.

It's a beautiful time of year - one that I have come to appreciate more and more as I get older. But since 2010 it has also meant that there are other preparations that I must make in the fall to take full advantage of this naturally occurring cycle that God has implemented not only in nature but in my internal makeup**. Steps I have to take proactively in order to learn from and enjoy this season that God put in place for my good. (I think my life pretty much can be categorized as pre-2010 and post 2010 - most of living pre 2010 was uncomplicated - I wish I had appreciated it then)


The following post is really for me - because of all the lessons I have learned in the past four years, I have learned that my greatest challenge to internal stability is not allowing myself to become trapped in my own mind. If I listen to myself instead of talking to myself - well....lets just say that I can put myself in a really black hole, really quick.  So periodically I have to "preach myself a sermon" and this has become my standby every year when the days get shorter, it's dreary, cool, rainy,  and very much like today - and I preached it to myself again this morning.

1. Am I aggressively obeying 2 Corinthians 10:5 and reinforcing the fences of God's perimeters for my thought patterns outlined in Philippians 4:8? This is where the majority of my time is spent at the beginning of the fall season.  What am I thinking? Am I dwelling on the truth about this season? Am I inputting good music, sermons, ect. that are going to help me grow during this time?  What are my thoughts about God? Are they true about who God has revealed Himself to be? Am I focusing on how I "feel" instead of what is true? If I lose the battle in my mind - it will not matter what else I do, I have destined myself for failure. This part can be a real fight and I can't do it without God's help and His strength.

2. Exercise - I hate this part - I really do. Because it takes energy for me to make myself, (discipline myself!) do it and I can come up with the most interesting excuses in the book while all the time knowing that after I have exercised, I will feel better. It doesn't matter if it's a walk outside or on the treadmill, a Pilates workout found on Youtube (if my knees hurt), or a T-Tapp DVD (if my back hurts) checked out from the library - there are no adequate excuses Marianne - just do it!

3. Make a "Happy List" - I have a list in my daytimer of things that if I were to do them would bring a smile to my face.

• Paint the woodwork in the bathroom, 
• finish the floral arrangement for on the piano, 
• browse ideas for curtains in the guest room, 
• do research on the best time to fertilize fruit trees and berry bushes, 
• rearrange my bedroom, 
• look for ways to make Philip's home office more comfortable, 
• look for new window treatments for his school office, 
• plan an treasure hunt for the boys, 

etc...... I make a new list at the end of every summer/beginning of fall. The funny thing is, I don't typically get more than one or two of those things done on my list - sometimes it's just the thoughts that lighten my spirit and bring a smile. Not major projects but things that would just be happiness to me if they were to happen or get done.

4. Do the next thing - Elisabeth Elliot quoted this years ago on her radio program and I've learned that there are many times that I have to just "do the next" thing that is required in this wonderful life I've been given by God. "Idle hands are the devil's workshop"....there's more truth than I'd like to admit in that bit of wisdom. When I look back on this season of my life in 10 years, I want to see that it was full of labor in God's kingdom - training young men, mentoring young women, a life lived in service to others.

"At an old English parsonage down by the sea, 

there came in the twilight a message to me. 

Its quaint Saxon legend deeply engraven 

that, as it seems to me, teaching from heaven. 

And all through the hours the quiet words ring,

like a low inspiration, 'Do the next thing.'

Many a questioning, many a fear, 

many a doubt hath its quieting here. 

Moment by moment, let down from heaven, 

time, opportunity, guidance are given. 

Fear not tomorrow, child of the King, 

trust that with Jesus, do the next thing.

Do it immediately, do it with prayer, 

do it reliantly, casting all care. 

Do it with reverence, tracing His hand, 

who placed it before thee with earnest command. 

Stayed on omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing, 

leave all resultings, do the next thing.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener, 

working or suffering be thy demeanor, 

in His dear presence, the rest of His calm, 

the light of His countenance, be thy psalm. 

Do the next thing."

This is what I have to do to walk through this season and be a better person when the next season comes. Not everyone struggles this time of year - I know one who struggles in the spring when life picks up pace. All of us have to deal with the effects of the fall on our bodies but I've come to the conclusion that it's better to embrace what God has to teach us in the challenging spots instead of fighting to be "better" (aka. someplace other than where we are). This doesn't mean that I can ever excuse un-Christlikeness in my attitudes or behavior - it's just a reminder that there are times when my weaknesses show up more clearly and my need for Him is more evident.  This means I have room to grow and I'm made more aware of Him and for that I'm very thankful.

Happy Autumn Everyone!

** I've learned to appreciate both the ebb and flows of my life after reading Dr. Ronald Horton's book, Mood Tides- Divine Purpose in the Rhythms of Life .

Now I Know

In the 7th grade in public school, I had to take a test that would give the guidance counselors information to help them determine my areas of interest and strengths so that they could guide me in taking the classes and acquire the information I would need for my future career. When I was called into the office to go over the results of my test, they were a bit uncertain of how to "guide" me. I told them I wanted to be a missionary, perhaps a missionary pilot.  The results of my test? "Is mechanically minded but should not operate heavy equipment." I don't remember that the conversation was very helpful other than encouraging me to take a foreign language. But I do remember thinking, "Mechanically minded? How helpful is that to a girl?" It just hit me after coming through the Christmas season! God knew that I would have three boys and that I'd spend several years of my life reading Lego© manuals!

Mother Of The Year

Last year my parent's home church, New Columbia God's Missionary Church, honored my mom with the "Mother of the Year" award. These were the tributes we wrote to her that were read by my brother, David, at their Mother and Daughter Banquet. 

"Dear Mom, 

How to explain mom in a paragraph is like trying to turn the Titanic around in the Walmart parking lot....it's impossible, but I'll do my best. I remember as a fourth grader mom getting me the ultimate Christmas present...a skillet. It's rather tough to tell your friends at school that you got a skillet for Christmas when the rest of your friends are getting bikes and video games. however, mom taught me how to make eggs, bacon, French toast and pancakes because I wanted to learn to cook and I like breakfast. As most of you know, mom's culinary skills are exceptional, but that would only scratch the surface of mom. Her quiet strength in the worst of circumstances., her devotion to God when things go wrong, and her unquenchable spirit are unmatched by any person I know! Mom, thank you for clothing yourself in righteousness rather than garments that will pass away, for allowing the grace of God to carry you where most people fear to tread, and for passing on a heritage and example of Godliness worth imitating. The writer of Proverbs must have known you when he wrote, "Many daughter have done nobly, But you excel them all." You are leaving a clear set of footprints that all can follow and know they are faithful steps. My life will forever be marked by your influence and example...I love you more than words can express!"

Lovingly,

Your son,

Jonathan

"Dear Mom, 

I can say that to me, no one compares to you. You have taught me so much by your words, your faith and by your example. With everything you've been through, it shows everyone the kind of determination you have. The fact that you still take time to put others first, continue to have unwavering faith, that even when you feel so bad you still wonder how I am and how my day was. 

You have taken the time since I've been married to not only include April, but to spend time with her, teach her to cook (thank you!), talk with her and lead her by your example also. I pray she is the kind of Mother to my daughter that you have been to us. You have no idea how much you have impacted our lives and I will be forever grateful. I don't know how else to put into words what you mean to me!! Other than simply, I love you!!!"

Love Always,

David

"Dear Mom, 

If I had to put into several words what sums you up as a person I would have to say: faithfulness, strength, love, tenderness. you have been an example over the years of everything a woman and Mom should be. You have always embodied the Proverbs 31 woman in my eyes. From my very earliest memories I can remember wanting to be a Mom, just like you. Since God has given me the desire of my heart and fulfilled that dream, I pray daily for the strength and wisdom you have always shown. Growing up we had our moments, but as the years have gone by you are not just my mom anymore, you are my best friend. You've been a willing shoulder to cry on, offered advice when asked for it, someone to laugh with over the funny and sometimes not so funny things in life, someone to confide in and someone who I know holds me up in prayer. You have always shown that you loved me, even when we didn't share the same viewpoint. 

Your quiet faith has been a huge blessing not just to me, but to all you come in contact with. God has asked you to walk a path that has been filled with rough patches and so such pain and yet you remain grounded as a Christian. What an amazing testimony to God's grace! Watching you allow God to mold you over the years has been such an inspiration to me. in spite of all you have gone through, you remain the same, steady loving person you were before this all started. you are my hero. Not just as a Mom and wife, but as a woman and a Christian. God created this journey that you are on specifically for you, an I am so very thankful He saw fit to let me be your daughter. I love you more than words can ever describe!"

Always your daughter, 

Jennifer 

"Dear Mom,

When you were homeschooling us through high school you were the one that guided and critiqued our papers and speeches but they want this to be a surprise so I guess we’re on our own for this one!

Abraham Lincoln said, “All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” It is true that day after day your words and actions guided and molded our character into the people that we are today. Since becoming a mother myself, it has struck me how ungrateful and unaware I was of the incredible responsibility that was on your shoulders as our mother. Yet you took the challenge and gave us the skills and abilities we needed to become the adults we now are. Those lessons you taught and the example you set are woven into the people we are today. We are the product of your labors.

Much could be said about the person you are but there’s no way in a few short paragraphs to be able to begin to convey all the unique characteristics that have made you a hero in our eyes. I’ll forever be grateful for the lessons of sacrificial service, love for others, passion for loving life, commitment to your marriage and family, living a steady and stable life of commitment to God and His Word – all of these and hundreds more that you have taught and lived before us for years.

Tonight you’re being honored as being the “Mother of the Year” – but in my heart you’ve held that title for 34 years! And on this special occasion we “rise up and call you blessed.” I thank God for allowing me to call you “mom”.   I love you so very, very much!

Love,

Marianne 

Mom and Daniel - 2007

This time last year I stood at a Hallmark card display in Kroger and wept as I tried to find what I was pretty certain was going to be the last Mother's Day card that I would purchase for my mom. And this year as I passed that same display I couldn't help but breathe a prayer of thankfulness that I have a mother who left such a rich legacy. Oh yes, there's plenty of sadness and there will be many tears,  but focusing on the sadness not only isn't helpful, it robs life of the joy of the blessing that I was given by having such a mother. So this Mother's Day I will honor the memory of the woman that I was blessed to call "Mom".

Important Lessons - Personal Time Spent With God - Part 3

The "how" of having your own personal devotional time is not a "one-size-fits-all".  And my time has morphed over the years to fit the seasons of life. When my children were babies and waking for an early morning bottle, it was easier to pray while feeding them, then do my reading during their afternoon nap and meditating before bedtime. At first I chafed against the "brokenness" of the time but then came to embrace it as something very profitable. It was nice to have multiple quiet times throughout the day when those days were so demanding. It helped me keep my focus on God's Word all day while reading meditating, memorizing and praying. Right now it's more profitable to do my Bible reading right away in the morning followed by prayer and work on Bible study and memorization in the afternoons during the boys' quiet times.

Time - Choose a time of day that has the least amount of interruptions and when you are the most rested. There are times when the boys wake early and they love to curl up and say, "Read to me what you're reading!" I love it but on a normal basis, I try to have this done before they wake for obvious reasons! If you're not a morning person, then it's probably not going to be very profitable! When I had multiple children and a newborn who was still waking in the middle of the night, I was more alert at the end of the day than at the beginning. There's something about that 2:00am feeding that just makes 6:00am seem like an unearthly hour! So, I'd sleep in a bit (Philip always took the 6:00 feeding when they were waking in the middle of the night - it worked wonderfully for us), and then read my Bible before the 10:00pm bottle when the other children were in bed and the baby was quiet for the evening. You just choose when is best for you - and be willing for that to change from time to time. But once a time is chosen, guard that time. "To-do" lists will wait, laundry will get done, phone calls are not that important, and time in God's Word feeding your soul and hearing God speak to you is never wasted time. By the way, Satan knows what happens during this time and will fight you tooth and nail....expect it. But I'm sending a statement to both God and Satan when I make it a priority and keep it a priority.

Place - Create a place where you are relaxed and can have all your materials handy.  A special place means you can keep your Bibles, notebooks, colored pencils, Bible Study materials, etc. all in one spot. It helps to have everything in one place so that I'm not wasting my time finding this that and the other thing.

Some people play soft music in the background (my husband often does this), have their morning cup of coffee (or tea for me). The idea is to create an atmosphere of worship. This is a special time for you and God. You know what "special" is to you.

Bible Reading:  I've used many different Bible reading plans over the years. The goal is to saturate yourself in God's Word and allow the Holy Spirit to change you in the process. If you don't know how to read the Bible in a way that is profitable I'd suggest getting a copy of Kay Arthur's book, "How to Study Your Bible" Her material is excellent! I use her New American Inductive Study Bible on a regular basis and love it!

There is value in buying a one year Bible where you read from the Old and New Testaments, a Psalm and a Proverb each day. This helps you gain the Big Picture and gets you through a lot of material. The con is that you have a large enough section to read that it usually doesn't leave much time for study or implementation.

Right now I'm working my way through books of the Bible using my inductive study Bible. Several times a year I use Bible studies (typically book or topic studies)  during my devotional reading time. Some things I've used are studies by Elizabeth George, Kay Arthur also has scads of Bible studies found at Precept Ministires. On the left you can choose topics, books of the Bible or other options. Bob Jones University Press has many different Bible Study resources by many different authors. Some are specific resources for women or specific topics (grief, anxiety) or general resources that are helpful studies. Philip's Developing Interpersonal Relationships is listed in this category. The site layout isn't very attractive so if you want any specific recommendations on this site, feel free to contact me. None of the above listed resources are written from a Wesleyan/Arminian perspective (except Developing Interpersonal Relationships) so keep that in mind if you use them. There will be some spots that will have a differing theological slant due to the presuppositions of the author's persuasion but as with any book, you glean the good and leave the rest.

The idea is to choose a method that allows you to glean the truths from God's Word in a way that allows the Holy Spirit to use those truths to make you into the person God created you to be. This is a life-long process that takes time, honesty, and willingness to submit to our Creator. It is SO WORTH IT! Maybe it's my age or perhaps it's hearing the stories that come with being in ministry and watching life choices play out - but I can't afford not to make my relationship with God my #1 priority. I used to say it, because that was the thing to say. But living life has made me realize the necessity.

Start with baby steps - once you master the baby steps then you can add to them. Getting started is the hard part. Give yourself space for trial and error that's the only way to learn what "fits" you.

Important Lessons -Personal Time Spent with God - Part 2

Here are some of the things I learned to help me on my journey to establishing a personal quiet time.

1. Read a Bible you can understand. The purpose of having a personal time with God is to get to know Him better. This is accomplished by:
          a. spending time with Him. You can't get to know someone if you're never around them.
          b. learning who He is during that time by reading His Word.
If you don't understand what you're reading then you're not going to learn who the Person is behind the words. If you don't know what translation to use it might be helpful to look at this chart on my husband's website that gives a good overview of the different translations. What you may find is that your reading Bible may be different from your study Bible. When choosing a study Bible it's important to stay as close to the original languages as possible.

2. If you're not sure how to structure your time these are two fantastic resources.
         a "A Place of Quiet Rest" by Nancy Leigh Demoss. My mother sent this book to me years and years ago and it's just a fantastic resource on the subject of personal devotions.

         b. This is the only sermon I have ever heard preached on the topic! And even though I heard it many years after I'd established my own quiet time, it was still an encouragement and it's a great resource. You'll want to forward to minute 36:39.

3. Remember that you're developing a relationship, not marking off a "to-do" list. We're all at different seasons of our lives. My daily time has changed as the the seasons have changed. When in college I had large uninterrupted times that were great......if I had known how to have a personal relationship with Christ those would have been great times, but I was still in performance-based relationship at that time of my life.

Grad school cut way down on my time available. It took everything within me to keep my head above water, but I also became keenly aware that I had to have daily time in God's Word. This is the period where I broke free of the performance model of a relationship with Christ and embraced a personal relationship (that could be a whole other blog post).

The I got married (hallelujah!) and watched my husband's pattern for his devotional life and what I learned began to change my life. (At this point we didn't know each other well enough for him to be able to help me in this area - and I, not knowing what "could be" didn't know to ask him questions.) With the shift in perspective, and having a life partner who had been practicing consistent devotions for 19 years, over time I began to see how all the pieces fit together. Once I saw what "could be" I finally told him I really needed direction in this area and through a lot of discussion and questions - I developed what fit me.

Then I became a mother - those of you who have children know how that drastically changes life. And I struggled horribly in my devotional life. I had enough of the traces of "performance" that those demands didn't fit where I was at in life. I was exhausted, never had more than a few minutes down time (or so I thought - after having three children I wonder where I wasted all my time when I had just one!), my brain was fuzzy, the first year I had PPD which compounded the FAILING feeling. Then I went and talked to a dear lady who attended our church.

Sister Jewell Stetler raised all her children on the campus of God's Bible School and College and produced some outstanding ministry-oriented men. At that time of my life I'd observed Bible College living on the "inside" for 7 years and from a distance for many more. And what I saw scared me - faculty and staff were losing their children left and right, and I was determined that wasn't going to happen to me, but I had to get some guidance from someone who had success in this area. (My in-laws have worked in Bible College work all their lives and raised sons who have not strayed from Biblical living but they also raised their children off campus. They've been a wonderful resource also but we live on campus which changes parts of the dynamic). Most of what Sister Stetler and I talked about that day centered around child-training, but she also challenged my thinking in this season about my personal spiritual walk with God.

Was it necessary to spend time daily in God's Word? Absolutely! You can't teach what you don't know and you can't pass on passions you don't have yourself. I'd just tackled the most important responsibility on earth and to be successful and in order to succeed I have to know Him, His Word and His Truth well! I memorized and have continued to cling to Joshua 1:7-9

⁷ "Only be strong and very courageous; be careful to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, so that you may have success wherever you go. ⁸ This book of the law (God's Word) shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success." - emphasis mine.

The more I read, learn and embrace God's Word for myself, the more my life will be in harmony with God's will and God can bless a life like that! But it starts by taking in Scripture, talking about it, meditating on it daily and obeying!

Sister Stetler also told me this, "Do you know how many times the tears of my prayers splashed in the dishwater?!" I no longer had those two hour college slots, time had become more precious in this season. But that didn't mean I couldn't maintain a vibrant, personal relationship with my Sustainer.God knows the season your life is in. Young mother's particularly feel the time squeeze but how how vital it is when raising children who love and serve Jesus and be an asset to God's kingdom, that we spend time with the one Who is going to give us the grace, strength, and wisdom to face that noble task.

Important lessons - Personal Time Spent with God - Part 1

This is a post I've been working on getting motivated to post for over a year and since this is another insomnia session, I'm going to work on some thoughts while I'm up. My problem with blogging sometimes is that I put this pressure on myself that if I can't get it all out in one sitting, then I don't post anything. Perhaps I need to adopt the "series" theory more often, I don't know, but this time I'm going to because I think it's important. It was important to me and if my conversations with many people over the years is any indication, then it's also important to many others.

Everyone has in their life, keystone events and lessons, that leave us very different people. Circumstances and information that changed the course of the direction we were heading. Every one's story is different but I thought I'd share one of the lessons I've learned that has made a huge impact on who I am today.

When I became a Christian at the age of 15, there were some things that were assumed I would begin doing....because that's what Christians do. They go to church, read their Bibles and pray (devotions), and tithe. I was already attending church, my parents saw to that. The rest was up to me. My grandparents had "devotions" and so I followed their pattern for awhile: read the Scripture in the devotional book (Our Daily Bread), and then read the short application/story to go with it. That was a great start. But the truth was, I gleaned more from reading the devotional book stories than I did reading God's Word. And in a very short time, my attempts fizzled. Oh, every few months or so I'd get inspired to start again and actually did a number of things (even going so far as to write Chuck Swindoll - he was the only preacher I listened to on the radio - for some help and he sent me some type of book). But to no avail. It was more miss than hit!

Unless I missed it somewhere....in all of my years of going to church, attending special services, and attending Bible College there was never any clear presentation given of "how" to have personal devotions. Plenty of preaching on the "should" but that's hardly ever helpful for anything except creating guilt unless the "how" is laid out. Through my Bible college days I would read large passages of Scripture, pray, and that was my time. Very little application, no study (other than what I was doing for class), and of little profit. What it did do though, was help create a desire for something more meaningful and in that process, express to God how much I really did want to know about Him, be changed by His Word, and grow into the person He wanted me to be. Most of the time it was pretty dry stuff....but I did it because I'd heard all my life it was right.

When I finally learned how to have a living, daily time spent with God....it changed my world. I always knew the value of the discipline of spending time each day with My creator. As a Christian, every area of my life is an out-flowing of the work that God has done and is doing in my life. My choices, my likes and dislikes, my words, attitudes, actions and reactions are all a reflection of who I believe God is and His claim on my life. There is no way possible to have a Biblical worldview without being in God's word on a consistent basis. And if God is the most important part of my life then there is no excuse for not making that relationship a priority. Over the years I've come to the conclusion that the more I get to know God, and embrace the truth that "without Him I can do nothing", my alone time with Him is not negotiable. If I have not taken the time to fill my soul with the living water that only He can give, there is no possible way for me to minister to those around me. As the songwriter has said, "How can you serve Me, when your spirit's empty?" As a wife, mother of three small children and involved in ministry, I'm faced with my inadequacies on a daily basis. That quiet time alone with the Lover of my Soul every morning is where I find the strength and wisdom to correctly live in such a way that brings honor and glory to Him.

Do I have this area mastered? No. I wish I had more time to spend in the Word and study. But what I have learned is the something is better than nothing. God knows where I'm at and the responsibilities that come with this season of life and He's not so much interested in the time I spend in His Word as He is about getting the Word into me. Yes, I have to spend time (just as you would in any relationship) but I've been amazed at how He uses the time I do have with Him to change me.

Quieting a Noisy Soul

This post was written on April 3rd:
This afternoon Philip and I were sharing together and he asked me, "What is your analysis of what happened last summer?" That got the conversation wheels turning and after listening to my theory of what happened last summer I was able to ask him the same thing. Through the last 10 months it would have been so much easier (possibly)  if there had been a clear picture of what was happening medically but that wasn't possible because there was so much more happening than in just the physical realm. But what interested me was when Philip said, "It's good we didn't know everything going on medically because the temptation would have been to avoid the pain. God was using the pain too much in your (Marianne's) life, my life (Philip), the life of our family, our church family and beyond that to have "fixed" it would have shortchanged the magnificent, redemptive, work that He was doing."

And it's true. We seem to be hardwired to run from pain. Not just physical pain - any type of pain or discomfort. And whatever is necessary to get away from it, we try it. And it's different for every person. The places we hide and the the extent to which we try to run varies from person to person. But one thing running always does - it generates noise. The kind of noise that can temporarily numb the pain and make us forget whatever it is that is gnawing at our souls.

Confession time - the two places I've frequently hidden is food and sleep. Neither of these are wrong, both are a necessity. God has much to say about both.... and their moderation. So, it was no surprise that two issues I struggled with last year were being able to eat - the nausea was incredible! (Drug withdraw affects every cell in your body!) and the insomnia was so debilitating. The two places I used to run and hide were no longer options. As I've said previously, the situation was multifaceted to say the least. There were many things happening physically (due to surgery and drug reactions/withdraw), psychologically due to what the drugs did to my mind (extreme terror, anxiousness, irrational fear, loss of concentration and sense of normalcy, horrible sense of "lostness" and gut-wrenching depression) and spiritually (issues coming to the surface that had not been dealt with - we're talking a long list of wrongs, both true and perceived that had never been tackled, character flaws that I would never be honest about with myself). And the list could go on and on!

So the noise was deafening! Some of my own doing and some from other sources. The generation of noise is not new. We're living in a time in history when noise is at an all time high. If we're ever going to stop and have quiet we have to fight for it. I'm not talking about physical quiet (I live in a house with 3 boys....that's only possible between 9pm and 7am) but soul quiet. A deep, genuine, quietness of spirit that only comes through one channel. That's spending time alone, with God, listening to His voice, and allowing Him to renew our minds. Allowing Him to teach us how to view life and all of it's component parts from His perspective. As I blogged earlier, it's a type of peace and quietness of soul that calms the anxious heart, quiets our fears, and restores our joy.

That's really where this blog post begins (for those who are still reading :o). When I was "trying" to get better last summer I was trying to do everything to shortcut the process of what God was wanting to do. I wanted out of the pain, the withdrawal, the side effects of the medication, and God saw the only way to help me get back on my feet and be a stable person again was to allow the pain to be so severe that I would be quiet and listen. Because for many weeks that was all I could do.  Benzodiazipines cloke the nervous system and when that cloke got taken away every nerve was laid raw. I can remember when hearing the air conditioning running and watching the hands on the clock was overwhelming stimulation - almost more than I could handle. Absolute quiet was a necessity (which is why I lived with my in-laws for awhile - Thank God for understanding in-laws!). But it wasn't stagnant quiet.

Back in February I blogged about the book "God is More Than Enough - Foundations for a Quiet Soul" by Dr. Jim Berg. This book actually came out of his much larger Christian counseling program, "Quieting a Noisy Soul" a whole DVD, study guide (Taking Time to Quiet Your Soul), and program to deal biblically  with "overcoming guilt, anxiety, anger and despair". I cannot express adequately what this study has done for me. I'm not saying this study was a quick fix for dealing with some serious issues in my life. But it gave me the tools necessary for God to start working on the renewal of my mind and my situation. I'll admit...I read the short book first and so profited from it, but I'm always a little leery of "Christian Counseling". Main reason - much of it doesn't differ from secular psychology - and I'm not interested in trying to solve my problems apart from God's help and without His Word. But I read the testimonies of others who had been in a deeper place than I was and decided it couldn't hurt. And knowing Dr. Jim Berg, I knew he wasn't going to be saying anything heretical, and I trust his wisdom. So Philip purchased the program and I began.

I went to the quickstart option for panic attacks and anxiety issues since this was one of the most horrific side effects of the withdraw. It wasn't going to stop them but it would give me the tools to deal with them biblically and thereby minimize the psychological effects they were having. One of the things I like about the program is its balance. He talks about the importance of finding out first if there is a medical issue causing some of these problems. Then even if there is a medical condition, there are some strategies for helping you stay stable until the medical issue can be solved. It's not a reductionistic approach that all you need to do is "read your Bible more and pray." There is a whole section on starting a physical exercise routine that will help you  physically and pairs that with relaxation techniques. The DVDs were great for watching while I was walking on the treadmill. The MP3's were wonderful when the visual stimulation was too much and for listening to in the van as I'd be traveling. The workbook "Taking Time to Quiet Your Soul." gave direction for really digging into God's Word and evaluating my thoughts against God's reality.

At first I was a little overwhelmed-  24 sessions, very structured, and I was barely taking care of myself. But the beauty of the program is, you can work at your own pace. The way I used it was to watch/listen to all the lectures first and then started going week by week and using the workbook. Philip and I had some precious times of worship this summer as we listened to the lectures on God's character. One of the fist things I did was print off the STOP-THINK cards and write off the supporting Bible verses on index cards. I then put those cards in my pocket and carried them EVERYWHERE! When a panic attack to hit, I'd pull them out and preach myself a sermon (He teaches you how to do that if you don't already know how) and move on.

The overview page has some good video clips about the program and they have some very helpful information. Just this morning, while staying home with two boys who are in the croup dying stages, I listened to "Getting Grace from God" under the "further help" and "listen".

I give this recommendation to those who are on top and those who are looking up at the bottom. It's not a program that just helps a certain set of people but rather has something helpful for everyone. Husbands and wives would benefit from studying together, parents would learn to quickly spot improper thinking patterns in their children. It's beneficial to anyone who is learning how to handle the pressures of life from a Biblical perspective.

As we are approaching the one year mark, I look back and stand amazed at what God has done in this past year. Someone asked me several months ago if I felt like I was back to "normal" because their one concern was this experience would permenatly change me. What was "normal" is no longer where I want to return. This past year has changed me. But I don't think that's a bad thing. There is a large area of margin in my life (which I'll blog about sometime) that never existed before. I have more time for what's important because I can't keep the schedule I used to keep and I want my best reserved for what's important. It doesn't mean I'm always comfortable here. I chafe under the restrictions sometimes and must daily submit to my Father's gracious molding.

So, if you struggle with feeling overwhelmed, or have battled depression, or are involved in the life of someone who is at this point, this is a very helpful resource.

New Beginnings

2011 - A new year and for whatever reason, I always have this strange sense on January 1st that it's a day of new beginnings. New Year Resolutions aside (though they have their place), today marks the fresh turning of a New Calender, new day planner page. And it gives me a sense of peace to know the God who walked and carried us every step of 2010 is already aware of this new season of my life.

This blog has been multifaceted in the past. It's been mainly a form of keeping my family scattered across the US of what's going on in our world. In many ways it's a method of documenting for my children, the things that are happening in our lives individually and as a family. Occasionally there's other "stuff" that I've learned or found helpful that I like to share with anyone interested. But I sense it's time for a more focused approach.

In this "blog world" there can be a surface depth disclosure (as with any public networking information sharing system) that leads to a warped view of who people are. I've been asked before by people who read my blog where my "super woman" cape is. To set the record straight for anyone who reads this blog - I don't own one - nor do I want to. One of the valuable lessons I learned this summer was that God has created me uniquely to be me. I'm not someone else and I'm not more than one. Reading blogs can very quickly put me in a "I need to do that, so-and-so does it this way, let's work on implementing this" mindset and pretty soon I'm violating 2 Cor 10:12, "We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise."


God's not impressed with my ability to take on more than He intends for me. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you SHOULD do that something. This summer brought a total halt to everything I thought defined who I was as a person - and it was terrifying to temporarily have those things stripped from me. But I've traveled far enough away from that point to realize what a gift it was. God allowed the natural process of a severe reaction to medication and then drug withdraw to let me see what's really important.

There have been times in my life when it's made me a little sad to look at my age and think, "I wanted to be so much further in this or that area, I thought by now this area of my life would be more mature, etc". But life happens whether you're ready for it or not - and when you add children to the mix...well, time flies! Between training children, doing wash, cooking meals, washing fingerprints off windows, spending time reading God's word, vacuuming mud off carpets, taking children to doctors, scrubbing floors and toilets, offering a helping hand to a neighbor, changing the toilet paper roll, buying groceries, looking for good clothing deals, communicating with your husband, memorizing scripture, picking up toys, sorting through toys, trying to quietly help toys to disappear, meditating on Scripture, trying to find healthy recipes to fix for you family (okay, you get the idea)you're weary and wondering if you're ever going to find those carefree days when you could focus on growing as a person. Many times I've wished I could jump off the merry-go-round for just a moment to catch my breath. God allowed that to happen this summer, not for a moment, or a day, nor a week - but months. And what I found was, a lot of those things I listed, though necessary and valuable, had taken priority instead of being supporting factors of THE MAIN THING. So this year I'll be sharing some of the lessons I learned - not because anyone else can be me - but because we're all on this journey of LIFE together. And sometimes it's nice to know we're not alone. I'm also documenting this for my children who watched miracles take place in our home this summer - that they won't ever forget THE MAIN THING.

So, blessings on all my friends and family in this New Year - 2011!

Reflections of Christmas

As a Christian parent, it has been very important to me that my children develop a biblical view of life and all of its component parts. This includes celebrations and events. What is the celebration for, what is the proper way to view the celebration, how do we participate in this celebration in a way that will bring glory to God?

Christmas has always been a special time but as a child there was a focus on the "getting" part more than the giving. I would be hard pressed to name many gifts that I received over the years (a desk that my Grandpa Slagenweit refinished for me, a stereo, a shelf from an old boyfriend) but I remember with fondness the many times we'd go Christmas caroling at our church and then later as a family, the many plates of cookies that my mother gave out, and all of the gifts that I've given to individuals. Giving is always more fulfilling than receiving and more memorable.

As we entered this Christmas season we worked diligently to focus on the true meaning of Christmas. In family devotions we focused on the "comings" of Christ (as I mentioned in a previous post). We lit the candles on the coffee table centerpiece as a visual reminder (and boys have this attraction to flames!) As we decorated we talked about the symbolism of the nativity set, the star on the tree, the lights, etc. All of this was building to the day that we celebrate Jesus' birth. But we forgot one thing...or perhaps we didn't forget...it just didn't seem as important as what we'd been talking about and focusing on....presents.

Allan had no idea that Christmas involved getting presents until a faculty member at GBS asked him what he wanted for Christmas. After a slight hesitation he mentioned that he had already received a firetruck and a book. It dawned on me that "wanting" wasn't crossing his radar. I was very thankful that in all of our talk of Christmas and building anticipation it centered around celebrating the coming of Jesus. But it also made me sad because I knew by the time this Christmas season had ended that question or the question, "What did you get for Christmas" would be the main focus.

When we woke up Christmas morning Allan was so excited...today was the day we would celebrate Jesus' birthday! So we rushed around getting ready to go to Pop-pop and Gramme's house. I cooked breakfast, we gathered our things and went to KY. There we read the Christmas story and opened gifts, ate our Christmas feast and visited with friends and family and had a wonderful time. I brought the boys home in the evening so they could get to bed in good time and before turning out the light I sat down to talk with Allan. We talked about the day and his attitudes and behavior and then he asked me something that made me want to cry. "Mommy, was this the day to celebrate Jesus?" "Yes," I said, "today is the day we celebrate when Jesus was born." His little forehead wrinkled and he asked, "Did we celebrate Jesus?".....

With a lump in my throat I analyzed our day. Did we? Did we really celebrate Jesus? Was the reading of the story of his birth, the very heartfelt prayer before dinner enough? Though he didn't audibly speak the words I could tell that my son was not convinced that we had done what the day deserved. I wanted to push the rewind button on the day and start over. I wanted once again to wake up and hear him say, "Wake up, it's Christmas! Today is the day to celebrate Jesus!" I would have done things differently. We wouldn't have rushed anywhere. I'd like to think that we'd have stopped right there in our PJ's while still in bed and had a family hug while we prayed and thanked God for sending His Son. Slowed down and taken the time to tell the story again and marvel at God's plan. Some people may think that children wouldn't appreciate the miracle of what we're celebrating but I disagree. (I will not go into any child-rearing philosophies at this point)

So we're not done "celebrating Jesus" yet in our home. I made a lot of preparations for celebrating the day but was woefully unprepared for celebrating Jesus. It's taken some additional planning and time but we're going to do it right this time. So, "Joy to the World, the Lord has Come!" We'll see you in the new year.

PS. Normally these reflections are reserved for my journal ... but perhaps all of us need to see our celebrations through a child's eyes. Merry Christmas dear friends...have a wonderful, Christ-honoring, new year.

Now...for the Rest of the Story

For those of you who would like an explanation of why last week's wedding cake was so challenging:
Short version: The icing for the wedding cake had to be ordered from a local bakery but "all's well that ends well."
Blow-by-blow version: Tuesday of last week I made 7 batches of icing but every one of them had a slightly odd taste. If you can imagine eating something that tastes the way that gasoline fumes smell that would have been the best way to explain what it was like. The longer it sat the worse it became until it tasted like axle grease. I thought on Tuesday that I had solved the problem. Three weeks earlier I had purchased the powdered sugar and Crisco shortening and placed them in the trunk of our car. Having no place to store the ingredients in my kitchen I left them in the trunk. But in our trunk was also a gas powered weed eater and blower. I thought that the heat of the trunk had caused the gasoline fumes to get into my powered sugar. Wednesday I purchased all new Crisco and powered sugar to take care of the problem.

Thursday morning I began making icing with the new sugar and Crisco - same "fumey" taste! I was stumped! So I methodically began replacing all ingredients to find the problem. New salt, new flour, filtered water instead of tap water, special trip to get a new batch of clear vanilla. Same bad taste! It was getting very stressful. Just the week previous I had made icing and it was fine. Perhaps it was my mixer somehow dripping grease into the batch but inspection of the mixer showed no problems. So last shot - try a new mixer - same bad taste. At this moment I did not know if I should laugh or cry. When something like this happens I wonder, "Is God trying to tell me that I shouldn't make the icing?" Perhaps my icing is not stable enough to withstand the heat/drive and so to save me some heartache I'd better go a different route. So that's what I did. For a "small" fee a was able to order icing from a local bakery that was ready for pickup at 10:30 on Friday.

Bakery icing is so "sicky" sweet that I can hardly stomach it but there wasn't much choice. So even though the cake looked okay it wasn't as tasty as I would have liked. But I am so glad that Clarissa and Joe got a wedding cake. For awhile I wasn't sure how it was going to all work out.

Back to my dilemma: What could have happened? I've used this recipe with these ingredients for years and never had a problem. Then it hit me late Thursday afternoon. The lids of the cans of Crisco that I had purchased said, "0 Trans Fat - Same great taste." Hmmmmmm...did they change their recipe? I looked at the nutrition information and compared it to the half used can that I had used the week before and sure enough - the fat contents were all different. So, I mixed up another batch (this was batch 12!) using the old Crisco and WALA! Same great taste! Okay, so trans fat is bad for you but it tastes far better than axle grease! Sighhhh...now another challenge - find another recipe that can be used for decorating without compromising the taste and ease of preparation and use. Since my next wedding isn't until August I have some time to experiment. I'm also going to contact Crisco and make sure that this new "fume" taste is normal.
So there it is folks. More than you ever wanted to know.

Another interesting side note: all of my cakes are prayed over for multiple reasons. One of those reasons is that almost every cake decorator has a "horror story" and someone ends up with a wedding cake disaster or no wedding cake at all. When I finished icing the cakes at 11:00 Friday night I felt very impressed that the Lord was telling me not to decorate until after I had transported the cakes to Shelbyville. Hint: when God says something - His idea is always best. When I opened the trunk of the car after arriving at my destination all of the cakes had shifted and settled enough that there was a band of icing sticking out on every last cake between the layers. So all of them had to be resmoothed. Had I decorated them it would have been next to impossible to fix the problem. It was still difficult as it was because the icing was very crusty. My heart was very thankful that God had whispered a few instructions to me because he knew what was going to happen.

Something like this happened to my husband (who is feverishly working to meet his deadline for Zondervan next month!) not long ago. God impressed him to do something that looked like it was going to be a mistake but turned out that it saved him work in the end. I said to him, "Isn't it good to be in "cahoots" (if I can use that term) with a God who knows everything?!" He sure saves me from a lot of hurts and heartache (if I am listening for His voice and obey). That sure is encouraging to a person who feels so inadequate of facing the challenges of being a wife, mother, and teacher. The God who created this universe is interested enough in my life that he tells me, "Go to bed, decorate tomorrow when you get there!" So I got the rest I needed and Joe and Clarissa got a wedding cake. WAAAHOOOOOO!!!!

Thankful

I've been sitting here reading through blogs of friends, aquaintances, and strangers. As I read I'm reminded how blessed and thankful I am for the paths God has led me in. When I think back 10 years to the direction I thought (wanted) my life to take it certainly wouldn't have been as fulfilling or exciting as where God has led.

All I really wanted was a little trailer/house in the country in PA, be able to teach (preferably third grade or below), my own dog, my own garden, and my own clothesline. Just a quiet, simple life with as few people watching me as possible.

And here I am: in a beautiful apartment in Cincinnati, Ohio, teaching college (philosophy of all things!), God gave me a husband (I didn't want one of those but I've found that I needed one!), two healthy normal boys (I didn't want any of those either!) I do have my own garden (Thanks to Mr. Lum and Dr. Avery), you don't want to air your laundry if you live in the city and particularly on GBS campus (do I need to explain further?). Quiet and simple life? That ended when I married "Dr. Phil" and moved to the "fishbowl" atmosphere of a Bible College campus.

God has taught me a lot in the last 10 years about His ways being higher than my ways. His stretching of me has not been without an ample supply of grace to trust Him unreservedly with my life. Isn't life with God good?

Well, I must red up the house (For those of you who are not familiar with PA Dutch that is pronounced "red" and means to tidy, straighten, clear of clutter, etc.) so that #1 I don't fall and break something if one of the boys wakes in the night and #2 so that I can start tomorrow fresh without a pile of clutter staring me in the face.

To those who comment on my blog and wonder why they never receive a reply: Teaching this semester has taken a LOT of my time and so responding to comments is one of the things that I have had to put aside. One of those priority, choosing what is best decisions that I had to make. In two weeks I should be fully functional again!